I lie down in bed thinking about Dad. I wonder what time it is in London. He is probably just waking up. Suddenly, I hear a jaw clenching sscccrrraaatttcccchhhhhh! It sounds like a big black gargoyle scraping at my window as if he wants to come in, uninvited. I hear a slow tapping on the ceiling, it gets faster and faster. Next thing I know I’m wincing every time the rain hits the roof. I clench my jaw, tighten my elbows and knees, and force my eyes shut. I hear sirens racing down Mt. Rose Street.
Suddenly, I realize I am really thirsty. I don’t know if I have the guts to get up to go get some water. I don’t want to die before my kindergarten Halloween party. I finally decide if Gollum is waiting for me under my bed, I will make a run for it. I clench my soft Winnie the Pooh blanket and jump off my bed. Desperately, I grab my batman mask and cape and run down the hallway, hopping over the creaky spot. I race up the stairs and bust open the door to my Mom’s room . . . Finally I’m safe! I slurp some water out of the sink and lie down on Dad’s side of the bed. I wonder what Dad is doing . . . . .
Logan, so so great. I really like the start. It's so intriguing: how many of us lie down and start thinking about someone we love? It's perfect. Everytime Jeff was away, I'd lie down, think of him and then COUNT the hours to find what time it was in France. So real. Love how you take a fear and make it a reality: "sounds like a...(not a branch, but a BIG BLACK GARGOYLE...) I am impressed with how you play with your increasing heart rate and rising fear through the accelerating tap on the ceiling. I just love that. I love how your body tenses and then sirens come. Then, the worst: you're thirsty. The worst part of everything is the need to get out of bed. PERFECT! This is the very best ending ever. I love it. Here are some more thoughts on how you might make it better still! I definitely think this piece is worth another week of work. It deserves it. It's a great start. So: work on it this week, too. In the next "comment" I'll suggest some ways to work this piece...Carolyn
ReplyDeleteACK!!!!!!! 1,000 words of advice just erased!!!!! Dang! Here it goes again:
ReplyDelete1. Take out the time-passing crutches like, "suddenly," "finally" and "next thing I know."
2. Instead of these words, bring us closer to your character through his thoughts, fears, senses. What actually happens during this "suddenly?" Lie down yourself and enact it! Look around your room from your perspective on the bed. Do it at night! Find the defining descriptions so we are really there with you in "real time!" 3. Take the "ing" off every verb! Make it all active and acute! The boy is tense and very "present;" your verbs should be too! "I wince" "I hear sirens race," etc.
4. Where does that boy find his cape and mask? This seems like an incredible opportunity to grope around in the dark to find it. You don't have to go overboard, Logan; this is not a gruesome scene, but it seems to me finding the cape and mask that you think will protect you demands some "finding!" A writing teacher once told me to "UNPACK" my sentences. I would like to suggest that you do that, too: unpack them, lay out their contents over the course of a few sentences. See what's IN those sentences. 5. Make sure we know more about your character's room. I want to know. Ask your mom what your room used to look like when you were wearing batman costumes. What little things did you cherish? Don't just guess; ask. Finally, get us to the sink for the drink and to the mom's bed. Lead us there in real-time. You could make this so so so good! Have fun! Carolyn
ReplyDeleteWow, that was really cool!!
ReplyDeleteI really like how it how it was a long time ago that this happened but you are writing it as if it were really only yesterday. I can totally get the feel of a little six or seven-year-old. It was super good!! LZ
Logan, I laughed when you thought (in your righting) : "I don't want to die before my kinder garden Halloween party" :) Great post (again)
ReplyDeleteYacob