I lie down in bed thinking about Dad. I wonder what time it is in London. He is probably just waking up. I look down at Cody lying in his racecar bed snuggling his favorite Tigger blanket that Grandma . . . Sscccrrraaatttcccchhhh! What was that? A big, black gargoyle is scraping at my window! I hear a slow tap… tap… tap... on the ceiling. Tap, tap, tap. It’s getting faster! I wince every time the rain hits the roof. My jaw clenches, my elbows and knees tighten, and I force my eyes shut to drown out the sirens racing down Mt. Rose Street.
My mouth is thick with saliva and it is hard to swallow. Of all the times to be thirsty! I have to get some water or I will not be able to sleep, but I don’t know if I have the guts. If I jump off my bed Gollum will grab me by the ankles and drag me under. I don’t want to die before my kindergarten Halloween party. Oh, thanks to mom my batman costume is laid out on the couch next to the closet!
Clenching my soft Winnie the Pooh blanket and grabbing a bouncy ball for protection I take a leap of faith. With all my strength I chuck the ball under the bed and sprint for my batman costume, grabbing only my mask and cape. Charging out of the room, I run down the hallway and hop over the creaky spot. I race up the stairs and bust open the door to Mom’s room . . . Finally I’m safe!
I climb under the covers and snuggle next to Mom. Did Gollum get Cody? Mom, Mom Cody… he isn’t feeling well and he wants you to bring him up here. She groans, throws off her covers, and lazily walks downstairs. My throat is still dry. I creep out of bed and slurp some water from the sink then crawl back under the covers with Mom and Cody… I wonder what Dad is doing right now.
LOGAN
Oh, LOGAN!!!! Yay! Wow!!! I'm so proud of this revision! You did it! You made it SOOOO much better and didn't flatten or deaden the piece: you made it spring and creep and sing! Yay. Okay, the details: the part that made me laugh out loud (shhh, Mary Beth is asleep above me!) was when you chuck the ball under the bed. It's the BEST detail! You're going to conquer Gollum in a mean game of dodge ball! HA! I love the slurping, still. I think this is absolutely PROFESSIONAL: "I hop over the creaky spot." I like where the costume is; I like that the rain makes you wince; I love the racecar bed; I like that you fib to your mom and as she lazily (unafraid! parents are always unafraid!!!) downstairs, you slurp and crawl into bed. Suggestions next...
ReplyDeleteSuggestions: your punctuation when you're calling for your mom needs to be more powerful? Mom? Mom? Something more indicative of how you'll really call for her...do it out loud and you'll hear it yourself! Thick with saliva is awesome (it's actually THICK when you say it!!!); but Leap of Faith is a bit of a cliche that I'm not sure a little kid will feel let alone say. Try a bit harder on that one. Follow his tracks again, at night, and see what "he" really thinks there at that spot. GREAT! Carolyn
ReplyDeleteLogan,
ReplyDeleteNice post!!!! This one is soooo much better than your first draft.
What I mostly like about it is that it seems so real!!
I love the place when you say: "...and hop over the creaky spot." That is your best line!!
LZ